I got word from all committee members that my dissertation has been accepted, and that I am finished.
I'd first heard via smartphone email that 4 of 5 members had approved, under really glorious circumstances.
Setting the stage: I'd been back home for about a week (for an indefinite time) to assist my mom's recuperation from a health issue that got serious. She's got plenty more where that came from, so I made sure to submit the final version of the doc before I got on the plane - I'm still not sure how long my presence will be needed here.
But back then, I'd had plans to be in yet another state with husband's (B's) family, so in addition to the happiness of traveling together was the joy at seeing each other after days apart. And then I checked my email as we headed north in search of a roadside breakfast before enjoying a mini road trip.
The tiny car echoed with our WOO HOOs and my whoops of joy. It was so great - tempered by the lone holdout and my worries that they'd block my progress - but overall undefinable. I giggled and got teary by turns. So did B. I called my mom at the skilled nursing facility, and her joy couldn't be contained either. She called me later and left a voicemail that I want to keep forever - she's never sounded so proud - and made sure that everyone caring for her knew about "her daughter the Ph.D." (I got many congratulations from them on my return.) Everyone in B's family was sweetly complimentary and happy for us as well - it's been a long haul, and now we will be able to talk about something else besides "are you finished yet?" And I won't have to give an answer that makes me feel like a flake or a slacker or anything but proud. Right on!
And now I'm in the final administrivia of the process - asking B. to get signatures for me, re-checking the document for typos and anything less than perfect, and deciding about publication permissions and whether I want to turn it into an article.
I'm torn between wanting to tell the world and not wanting to be an obnoxious twit about it. It's a huge accomplishment for me, and yet I know many people do much more difficult things every single day. I guess my next challenge (aside from finalizing details of my mom's care and finding a job) is figuring out what I want to face down next.
Not sure whether I'll be keeping this blog alive or writing elsewhere, but didn't want to leave things hanging on such an ambiguous note. Thank you for reading, and for your comments and support. They've made a lonely process feel much less so.
I've gone an embarrassing number of days without thinking of this persona at all, much less feeling like writing about the process that is the dissertation. Since I've been living the "if you can't say something nice..." platitude, there really hasn't been much of note to share on this space.
In all other areas of my life things are going well, but I write about those on twitter, not here. If you know me offline, or would like to know my twitter handle, drop a line in comments or send me an email. I've got an unusual enough last name that I'm easily searchable there, too.
I"ll write again when there's more to report.
Thanks so much for reading!
Schoolsmelt
Cool.
Yes, I am still alive. I am also still writing the dissertation. It is a long story, but basically boils down to working with five different people who will all have their names on my document. That it's not actually only my document, and that they have other ideas about what I should be saying and including and such. The research I did was sound, and I passed the oral defense (as noted), and got hooded (which was lovely and emotional, perhaps somewhat premature, but it meant that my mom got to come see), and am now adding and subtracting and augmenting bodies of literature and making my conclusions bigger and bolder and yay go team!
What's been interesting, though, is how many inspirational bons mots I've been living as this latest chapter (heh. unintentional, and a mixed metaphor, but I'm leaving it) in the process has unfolded. That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Fall down seven get up eight. Walls are there to show you how much you want something. etc. etc. All true. I guess I just never wanted anything this hard, this much.
Better in retrospect than when it was happening, and I'm pretty sad that the recording I thought I'd made didn't get saved (nerves!), but I am very pleased with the outcome.
There is a lot more to say, but I'll say it later. I"m happier than I've been in a long time, and I feel completely liberated in a way I never anticipated. It's similar to the feeling of having the unacknowledged steel bands that were binding my brain, removed. (A very sweet professor told me that feeling lasts for about six days. I'm going to do the best to make the most of it.) I can see a difference in my thinking already - I've been theorizing about everything today! It's been kind of fun, but would be more fun if I knew I were going to be an academic, actually.
I also realized that I really do throw a lot of obstacles in my way. I think they're supposed to sabotage me, but I wind up succeeding almost in spite of myself. (or maybe it's just that I can't even do a good job at self-sabotage? I know - the day after my biggest professional triumph, and that's where I choose to go? Yeah. I went there.)
I got about 3 hours' sleep the night before, woke at 5am then tossed and turned for another hour & a half, didn't kick people out of my presentation room until about 15 minutes before the defense, had a major unanticipated technical difficulty (I had done a run through two nights before, but couldn't make powerpoint work the way it had previously) which resulted in me going to print out my notes slides about five minutes before the defense, so everybody was pretty much seated by the time I arrived back in the room.
I got questioned deeply for an hour. It is KILLING me that I don't have those questions (or my responses, frankly, because I don't really remember what I said) recorded so that I can explore them more later. They were little gifts, evidence that my committee members thought about how I could improve my intellectual work. They asked me to consider the ramifications as being more applicable to a broader range of audiences, and one mentioned that I had created a really important piece of knowledge that will probably be useful to later scholars who study online communities (!!!).
After some reflection, I realize that I consider a more lengthy questioning process in a defense to be a sign of respect. There weren't any really confrontational questions, no one was trying to shut me down or prop themselves up at my expense - rather, the time we spent in that part of the defense was evidence that my work engaged them enough to be curious about it and speculate about its (and my) future. Maybe all dissertation committees are like that. Maybe only mine was. I don't know, but I am tremendously grateful.
Damn, where'd you go? I will miss you (but would be happy to follow to wherever your new digs may be... in a non-creepy way, of course.) My email's at g0og1e, with this site's username before the at.
Be well.
